There is no reality more universal to us all than the very real reality of death. Yet, it is undoubtedly one of the most avoided subjects of our culture. In our pursuits of modern life it seems as though an amnesia about our own humanity has spread throughout the world. Constant movement and distraction keeps the mind busy while the body patiently waits for attention, sending feedback to the mind in the form of stress, fear, anxiety, pain, depression, anger, and eventually disease. The reality is that for many of us, we don’t begin to listen until the body has been warning us for some time. For those of us who are lucky, we are able to begin to respond to the warning signals being sent by our bodies before the disease processes become too advanced. And then there are the ones of us that life has other plans for.

My dear husband Ernie was one of the latter group, and life really threw us a curveball when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 40 years old. Glioblastoma, everyone’s worst fear, became a very real reality that we couldn’t avoid. What in the world do you do in this situation? He could run his mind around, blaming everyone and everything that had ever gone wrong in his life, but what would that do? What Ernie did was the most powerful thing I’ve ever witnessed a person do in my entire life. He completely surrendered to the reality of the situation, took full and honest stock of his life thus far and let the situation empower him. He decided that he was going to live the rest of his life guided by his heart rather than his mind.

The next twenty two months of his life was the most brutally excruciating, heart wrenchingly raw, and physically debilitating journey I’ve ever witnessed a human being experience. Yet it was also paradoxically the most awe inspiring, bliss filled, beautiful time; the result of a life suddenly drenched in deep meaning by virtue of its impending end. I witnessed Ernie fully surrender to the path set before him with a grace and courage that would transform the hardest heart that came into contact with him. It is important to mention that cannabis medicine proved to be a most crucial part of his treatment plan. It was through cannabis medicine that he was able to find some relief and repose, as well as the levity in his heart to lift himself and others who encountered him. Cannabis was a trusted friend that he could always count on to ease the physical and emotional pain that he was experiencing. With the help of cannabis he continued to fight his cancer with a calm knowing that this was what his soul came to do, and he was going to live every moment with his full presence and with love for whatever life presented him. It was at this time of deep surrender that we found out I was miraculously pregnant with our second child, a son. What a plot twist! We were overjoyed with this gift of pure love.

The journey continued with all of its twists and turns, gains and losses, and ultimately more surrendering that never ended. Once we surrendered to one truth, along came another that would always require our hearts to stretch in ways we once thought impossible. Watching my belly grow as I watched my husband slowly transition out of his body was something I struggle to find words to describe. Through our surrender came a deep trust in the unfolding of life around us, a deep meaning to each and every moment of every day infused our lives. Time slowed down to the pace of a heart beat, our own heart beats. Our focus was on what was actually in the present moment. Not a second into the past or the future, but firmly and wholly in the now. The paradoxical truth to this fact is that this excruciating time was equally the most joyous time of our lives. We were blessed to have all distraction besides the present moment exit the picture long enough for us to remember what life was really about. My son was born in early January while the bitter cold weather added extra challenges to all life in New England. Ernie still managed to make it to the birth of his son, and even cut his umbilical cord with his non-dominant hand that he had taught himself to use when he lost the use of his dominant one. He always approached every situation with a willingness to learn and grow, rather than letting it discourage him. The light he found in his illness was merely his own light that he had forgotten to see. It was in his remembrance of his true nature that he inspired and changed me forever, along with many others who witnessed his courage on his path home.

My daughter, son and I live in continued reverence for the now because of the absolute revolution of our lives through bearing witness to Ernie’s journey. Not a moment passes where his courage and willingness to approach situations with a calm grace doesn’t influence my being. The journey also exposed to me the deep and unmatched power of cannabis therapy for cancer. Cannabis never failed to lift his heart and ease his troubles in a very palpable way. This allowed him to remain himself throughout the excruciating western medicine treatments, that quite frankly made life unlivable. It is a crime against humanity that cannabis isn’t a first line medicine given to all cancer patients at the outset of their journey. Observing this plant in real time and its efficacy in relieving all forms of discomfort associated with treatment with no risks of complication, is the reason why I advocate for cannabis use in medicine every single day of my life. Ernie deeply loved and trusted cannabis, and cannabis allowed Ernie to continue to feel human despite everything he was going through. Ernie’s gift to us was in how he allowed his situation, no matter how dire, change him for the better. Every challenge that arose he chose to meet with love, and I watched his approach bring many to tears through the absolute pureness of his conviction. He refused to take his disease personally and instead looked at it as something to be understood. He reminded us that every moment is precious and as fleeting as the wind. He taught me that the beauty of life lies in our willingness to see it as such, no matter what disguise it happens to be wearing at the time. We lived more in those twenty two months than we ever had before, and with a depth of meaning that carries on even without him physically here. His memory is so alive in us that nothing we do is without influence of the precious wisdom that he taught us.